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A wife must decide: is he a man or woman?

One of the most repeated questions I am asked by wives who are struggling to come to grips with their husband’s trans-genderism is “well do I call him by his female name now or keep calling him by his male name?”  Their question can only be spurred on by a deeper question which asks “do I believe what he says?  He’s a woman inside, but how do I know what gender he really is? How do I decide?


One may challenge that a wife can’t decide what gender her husband it.  They would insist that it is a personal decision that only he can decide!


Does a wife have to rely on her husband’s personal gender determination before she can know whether he is really a man or a woman?


It is nearly impossible for a wife to ever regard her husband as anything other than a man.  To meet a man, fall in love with a man, consider marrying a man and then bear children with a man, then raise these children with a man who is their father - these are pretty convincing evidences that it is a man with whom she established a relationship.  When he presented himself to his prospective bride for courtship, as a man, did he not in one way or another make a promise
that he truly believed that he was a man?  Yet he now asks his wife to consider him as a woman?  Does this not indicate some form of unreliability and confusion in gender identity?


Under normal circumstances it is quite unreasonable to expect a wife to consider her husband as anything but a man.  Even the most open-minded of women, who consider it an option to accept their husband’s trans-genderism or trans-sexuality and remain with them, still in their own hearts and minds consider their husband a man.  Interestingly, this only occurs in approximately 5% of cases.


I would contend that your husband is still man and will always be a man.  As the slogan goes “some things do not change.


A woman who regards her transsexual husband as a woman will be undeniably faced with some complex issues.  His new sexuality places enormous challenges on the entire dynamics of their relationship.  If he is now female, do I now call him by his female name with a female pronoun?  How should my children regard him?  If he is really a female, when did this gender change occur?  Was he always truly a woman?  Does that make me a lesbian?  What role did he adopt during times of intimacy; a male role or a female role?  What is a wife suppose to do if her husband wants to act, dress or adopt a female role during intimate times?  Pretend he is still a man in her imagination?  The decisions made in response to these questions will depend on how a wife determines the sexual identity of her husband.


Yet, realistically, a transsexual transition often demands that a wife, to some extent or another, address her newly transitioned husband by a female name.  It may be in court, it may be in public at times when children have access visits etc.  It may be in email or written communication.  While there may be a period in which no name is used, eventually an appropriate name or an appropriate pronoun must be decided.  But on what basis do we decide which pronoun to use?


At present my children have decided to call their father by his female name, yet they continue to use the male pronoun when they speak of him.  I continue to address their father as ‘your father’ in our conversations using a male pronoun.  Why?  He is my ex-husband.  He is their father and he is the only biological father they will ever have.


So, the question remains do you regard your transsexual ex-husband a man or a woman?


I personally could never consider my ex-husband as anything other than a man.  I know that underneath the surgically built female body parts, there is a body which is male:  a male skeleton structure, male muscles, male internal organs, and a male brain.  These things are not changed when sexual reassignment surgery is performed.


Every wife will eventually need to decide how she is going to determine to which gender her husband truly belongs.  There may be a time of indecision and confusion, a time when further research and investigation is explored. 


At the time you were considering marrying your husband, you probably never questioned whether he was really a man or a woman.  Why question it now?  While your husband may be asking you to question his own sexuality, this does not mean that you need to question it.  It is his confusion, not yours.


Remain firm in the knowledge that your husband is a man and he will always be a man.  God knew what He was doing when He created your husband, He did not make a mistake.  While your husband may be confused, rest assure, God was not and there is no reason why you need to be either.